Friday, January 16, 2009

It is your wedding day- It is your dream

I meet with a lot of brides and grooms, and often times they bring a parent with them. Often times if a third party is present the third party is paying for the wedding, in my experiences. I welcome couples to bring someone with them so that all of the questions are asked, and their is a second opinion, also to relieve pressure and keep the couple from making the first decision and booking my services if I am not right for them. I recommend that you take someone with you to listen on any large decision that you and your soon to be partner any time you make a large and important decision. It is a good practice to get into as directly a sales person can fleece you , but with someone outside of the picture who does not have anything to gain or lose, will listen to the message which is coming through the words.

With this being said, I do recommend that while couples bring someone with them to hire vendors and make choices about service providers, I do recommend that the couple keep their own picture of what the wedding will be and stick to this. Your wedding is your day, and you are going to be the two people who remember your wedding the most. While you may have to make some concessions, they should be minor. If you want to go skydiving the right before, during or after you say your vows, I think that you have your reason for it and should do it. I may not follow you out of the plane, but I will either marry you in the plane or on the ground. I had a couple want to get married at sunrise on the beach in Santa Monica, because the always took walks on the beach at day break, obviously a lot of people did not attend, but it was special to the bride and groom, we even walked through the ceremony. Everyone will remember parts of your wedding, but no one will have as many memories as you, and that is why your memories are the ones that the photographer, minister, caterer and location coordinator are working towards.

Have a great weekend.
Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Proverbs 23.4

Sunday, January 4, 2009

How to get him to take ownership in the wedding and get him to help with planning.

In my last comments I wrote a little about why he doesn't help plan the big day, and gave a few ideas as to how to get him involved. In this second part I will give some useful ideas on how personalize the wedding towards the two of you so that he will be more interested and will want to participate in the planning. Men are often mistakenly labeled as strong and silent, but if you get him to talk about sports or racing or his interests you will find that he is not so silent after all. He may have even shed a tear last March when his team did not advance in the college Basketball March Madness finals, or when Dale Earnhardt Sr. tragically lost his life. To label guys even those you know from years of experience as insensitive is to misjudge them., let's not waste our time on that, but concern ourselves with solutions.

One of the best ways to get him involved is to give him some freedom to do what he wants with the wedding. Other than leaving him the planning of the honeymoon, which is usually an easy sell, you will need to give your guy some responsibility too make his OWN decision. I said earlier have him pick the location, or part of the ceremony, the minister should have a couple different suggestions to choose from, an let the groom make the ceremony reflect both of you. There are a lot of customized vows on the Internet, I have read some sports related ones as well as those dealing with sleeping in and family outings. Your vows are something to reflect the individuality of your relationship, if something is important to him, it may be good to let him include it into the ceremony. The minister can usually word anything to fit in with the rest of the ceremony. Maybe golf is your thing as a couple, so would it really be that hard to swing a couple of golf terms in to your less formal wedding. Once you give him the responsibility though, don't take it away, or he will learn to clam right up again. If you don't want to ruin the ceremony, only let him select the finalist and then choose from what he likes best, he will respect you all the more as you give him the respect by trusting in his decision making, he may even turn to you for advice while he contemplates choices.

What specifically you should give him depends on the couple, the groom, and the relationship. Here are a few recommendations of where I have seen guys shine in the planning: choosing the locations for either or both the reception and the ceremony, also good because it is at the beginning, and will get the ball rolling; choosing or setting up the minister; selecting the food and or caterer for the reception, I would not recommend the plate ware nor the silverware for the formal event, as this is not most guys forte (he probably does not notice the subtle differences between the buttercups and ivy plate and the tulip centered plate) and he really does not care, so he will view this as a set up and give the decision away; choosing the vows or ring exchange wording, may be he can make the final decision; what themes to include in the ceremony, do you want to make the ceremony unique and truly yours, let him decide what to include from your lives, he won't stray very far; choice of add in ceremonies, he has probably been to a few weddings, and may like the rose ceremony, or the sand ceremony or whatever but will it really kill you even if you don't to let him have his 2 minutes, during your 30 minutes of fame?

This not only is good for relieving stress from your wedding planning, it also will help you to set a precedent in your relationship of each of your opinions being heard. Do not let this foundation crumble, as you move on in your relationship I recommend that you let him have a say in decorating the house by giving him his own room of decorating responsibility, not just the man space of the garage, you can always designate it as the man room if the college team colors don't coordinate with the rest of the house, or other important things. This will only help you to have a good strong relationship, which is what you are looking for, correct?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Why does he not participte in the planning of our wedding?

Let's face it ladies, you probably are getting upset at your grooms lack of interest in the wedding planning. I don't want to get into premarital counseling, or even to defend the male population, but I would like to clear two points of where some of this may be coming from before I offer up a suggestion on how to involve the groom in the planning of the biggest day of your lives so far.

My first point is: Weddings are not marketed to guys, other than to say "it is the biggest day of her life, so make her happy." The mainstream pressure of society takes all of the glory of the wedding and places it firmly of the bride. Brides wear the gown, which will never be worn again, carry flowers down the aisle to show fertility, and the guy wears the same Tuxedo that he wears to all black tie events. As where the bride will spend all day getting ready for the entrance, the groom, waits around for the wedding to begin, guys typically will just get a haircut before the wedding day, but often fore go the manicure and pedicure as they are wearing close toed shows and everyone is looking at the bride. At a recent wedding, I was waiting with the groomsmen, who were quite young and had never heard that they were wearing the same as the groom in case of fainting. The joke is that if the groom faints, the groomsmen all take one step closer to the bride, and we have another groom to proceed on with the wedding. My point is that the groom will often be pushed closer to the background than to the spotlight so why should he bother with the planning.

Secondly: The groom just started thinking about his wedding day since he gave you the ring, and his interests are more in the honeymoon afterwards. Your groom is a man of action, standing in one place for a few minutes does not inspire much. Brides on the other hand, were once girls whom have been inundated by thoughts and dreams of their wedding day since they could walk. And every wedding that a bride to be (even if she did not know she was going to get married because she was 7) or her mother has taken what they each liked from the wedding and molded it into their dream wedding. Some brides want a big event, some have pictured a small intimate beach or other wedding, your dream wedding may change as you mature and your priorities in life change, but most women have a dream wedding. Now men being the good little dutiful providers and men of action that they are know this and say, "she gets what she wants, just give me my portion of the bill, and I'll worry about paying it." After all, he has no etched in stone idea of his wedding like the bride does, or the mother of the bride, so why should he fight for something that he will ultimately lose on.- I can speak from experience here as I was this person, I assigned my wife to all, or resigned myself from making any decisions about my wedding, I don't even think I picked out my tux. I knew that I would not get my way, so why should I put forth the energy.

So how do you get him to participate: Be open to his suggestions and even use some of his ideas, if you take him to look at flowers and he is looking at freeway daisies, you may have to surprise him and use them somewhere. It is his wedding day too. To get him to make some decisions about your wedding that truly are his, though you will need to have him start before the wedding planning if you run the show. Eat where he likes, nix the chick flick a few times for adventure movies, and go play golf or pool. Marriage is about give and take, and you should suck up a few bad dates to get what is really important, beside once you get married, you will rule anyway right? If you don't accept his ideas before the planning, he will just play it safe and give you what you want, or what he thinks you want.
Give the groom some areas that he is responsible for; the location for the reception, the DJ, the entire reception, may be not all at once, he may need to make the decisions in steps, but let him know what your needs are and then go with his choice, this will be relieve you of some of the stress, and will build a strong foundation for the marital relationship, where you both can give input and not fear resentment. If the groom make some of the decisions and sees that you will let him speak freely and if he chooses something, it will be strongly considered, when it come time to pick vows or wording for the ceremony, you will have his input. If you don't trust the grooms style decisions because he only can match a white shirt to a suit, then I recommend have him get no more than 3 final choices and you both select from the three over a conversation.

Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and whether you are working, raising a child, going to school, or searching for employment there is not enough time to plan your wedding on your own. You need help, and you need to delegate things out to anyone who will help you. I recommend that brides start with their fiancee as he needs to be there and look happy in the pictures.

Have a great New Year's.
Rev. Nick Metz

Saturday, December 20, 2008

My first wedding performed.

At first everyone will probably dismiss me, saying I just started, let me assure you that this happened quite a few years ago, on a warm So. Cal. July evening.

The bride had called me about a week and a half prior to the date, and we asked each other a few questions, she wanted just a small ceremony in her apartment with a few friends there to witness. She asked on the second call if I was bilingual, and I let her know that I was not, but she still hired me. They choose a shorter ceremony about 10 minutes in length, and added some personal touches to the ceremony. I was expecting the ceremony to be very traditional from the chosen ceremony and the fact that the grooms father would be there and only spoke spanish. While I new the party would be small, I expected traditional wedding colors.

I showed up to find the groom was wearing slacks, a black shirt and a red crushed velvet jacket, while the bride was wearing a black and platinum dress. This was not going to be what I expected. The father was in attendance, in the back row of the living room, chairs had been brought in for 20 and 15 showed, but they still left the empty chairs in the living room. The bride, groom and myself step out to conduct the wedding, by gothic candle light, and a floor lamp, when I let the groom kiss his bride, he pumps his fists twice before sealing his love with a kiss. Everyone tells me that I did a great job, one attendant asked is I also do Divorces.

Whether I was in shock about officiating a Gothic wedding without any prior knowledge, or just amazed that my first wedding was over, I walked from my position in the living room straight out the front door and had to return after 5 steps to get my briefcase. If this were not my first wedding, I would not have been shocked and it might not be very memorable to me, I have done a few gothic weddings since, and now can maintain my composure through them, but the memories of this wedding always come back.

There probably was more to tell, but this is all that I can recall.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
Rev. Nick Metz

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Thank you for finding my blog, I am hopeful this will be either helpful to you as you plan your wedding planning, watch someone go through the process of having a wedding, officiate weddings or just find this entertaining and or insightful. I plan to add a new blog once a week or more frequently if things come up that need mention. I will share my experiences, give tips and pointers to have a really excellent ceremony and wedding day, and at least once a month tell of a wedding that I have been part of.
I have been involved with weddings for the last 5 years, and have seen a lot of things happen, while I may tell the story of an experience, it will have the names removed to protect all involved accept myself, and there will be a lapse of time between the event and me blogging on it. If you ever have questions, I will be more than happy to give you my opinion, you are more then welcome to email me, I will either answer your email direct or answer it on these pages. I will admit that while I have seen a lot of things happened, I have yet to see it or even to have heard of it all.
I wish you all a great week as we get ready for the winter holidays of Christmas, Hanukkah and New Years.
Rev. Nick